Exhausted

Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve exhausted all possible matches on all of the major dating sites. This is no small feat. I’ve worked hard at it.

The first time I signed up for a dating site was in December 2005. JDate. Soon after, the other sites followed. Match. eHarmony. OKCupid. Recently the photo swipe sites became popular, so I added accounts with them. Tinder. JSwipe. Hinge. Bumble.

I’m been on a quest to narrow down my search. Each site has a way of excluding a profile from future searches. On JDate and eHarmony, it’s the Block. On Match, it’s the Remove. On OKCupid, it’s the Hide. And on Tinder, JSwipe, Hinge and Bumble, it’s the Swipe Left.

How many profiles have I blocked/removed/hidden/swiped left? I don’t know. I’ve lost count. I can tell you this. On eHarmony, they used to tell me how many profiles I closed. (Back in those days, eHarmony had the Close, before they changed it to the Block.) The last time this feature was active, I had closed 5000+ profiles. They stopped sharing this information about five years ago, which was about halfway through my eHarmony tenure. You can do the math.

Match doesn’t tell me how many profiles I’ve removed. What it does tell me is how many other members have looked at my profile. As of today, my profile has been viewed 5728 times. For some reason, this gives me pride. I’m not sure why. It means 5728 women looked at my profile and either they rejected me or I rejected them. Or more likely, both.

The place where Match tells me how many women viewed my profile has a little button that I can push to reset it to zero. It looks like this.

Match-Viewed

I don’t know why this button is there, other than to taunt people like me who like to push buttons. If you’re wondering how I resisted the temptation to push this button after ten years, wonder no more. I’ve pushed it. I confess. I have no self-control! I think there were about 500 views of my profile when I pushed the button. (Random thought: It’s a good thing my finger isn’t on the nuclear button.)

Anyway, see what I meant when I said it’s no small feat? It’s become a hobby of mine. I get a feeling of accomplishment each time I block/remove/hide/swipe left a profile. I feel I’m that much closer to finding my soulmate.

Each site has its own way of telling me I have no more matches.

JDate shouts at me: “No Profiles Found!”

Several of the sites make suggestions for me to broaden my search.

Tinder suggests that I look in another location: “There’s no one new around you. Use Passport to choose a new location.” I wonder where I should look. I’ve heard that women outnumber men in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina. I can look there. Not sure it will help me find someone within my 25 mile radius.

Hinge has two suggestions: “That’s it for now. Invite more friends or try expanding your age range so we can go find you more matches.” I understand the part about expanding my age range. But inviting more friends? Do they think I’ll suddenly realize that one of my friends is my soulmate after she joins Hinge, and we are matched up?

Bumble also suggests that I invite some friends: “Looks like you’re out of people. Check back soon or invite some friends!”

Match tries to help, but doesn’t have a specific suggestion: “Find someone unexpected. Expand your search to meet new people.”

Similarly, JSwipe and OKCupid have nonspecific suggestions.

JSwipe: “We cannot find users near you. Check your match filters to broaden search.”

OKCupid: “Try fewer options. The best searches are often less restrictive. Give it another shot!”

eHarmony’s message is a little different: “Love’s within reach! Our matching system is hard at work — please check back soon.”

BRB.

OK, I’m back. I had to “check back soon”. Only one of the sites had new matches, and it was Match. There are two new matches! Must be two new women who just joined as I was writing this blog post. For both of these women, I don’t satisfy their requirements, listed under “Who She’s Looking For”. For one, I’m too old and too short. She wants someone over 5’10”. That seems to be the magic height, 5’10”. I’m too short for the other one too. She wants someone who is over 5’9”. (I’m 5’8”.) That’s close enough that I might give her a chance, but she also specifically asks for someone who enjoys participating in sports. Remove, remove. Back to a clean slate. Something in me likes it when there is a clean slate.

One last thing. I know what you’re thinking. How can I say I’ve tried all the major sites, when I haven’t mentioned Plenty of Fish? I do have an account on POF. But it doesn’t have a way to block/remove/hide a profile. What fun is that?

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