Song Lyrics That Make Me Cringe

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Some of these sound like nice songs, with pleasant melodies. But if you listen to the words, they are cringeworthy.

The first group of songs are about abuse.

I used to love to make you cry
It made me feel like a man inside
–Frankie Valli
(Nice doo-wop beat obscures the words.)

You better run for your life little girl
If I catch you with another man that’s the end
–John Lennon
(These are perhaps the worst lyrics in any song. Written by the same man who imagined all the people living life in peace.)

Bang! Bang! Maxwell’s silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Bang! Bang! Maxwell’s silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.
–Paul McCartney

Well, there’s a real square cat, he looks a 1974
Well, he looked at me once, he looked at me twice
Look at me again and there’s gonna be fight
–Stray Cats
(The video for this is even worse. They kick a guy to the ground just because he looks like a square, dressed like it’s 1974.)

I call the next category the “moon, june, spoon” category. These are songs with silly lyrics that were written just because they rhyme.

I look at you all see the love there that’s sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps
–George Harrison
(That must have been a really dirty floor, to inspire a Beatles song!)

I don’t know how you were diverted
You were perverted too
I don’t know how you were inverted
No one alerted you
–George Harrison
(Couldn’t he have asked for a little help from his friends?)

Song she sang to me
Song she brang to me
Words that rang in me,
Rhyme that sprang from me
(This one is like fingernails on a chalk board.)
–Neil Diamond

She said it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
(This one is the opposite. It doesn’t rhyme in American English, which is how is sings it. Plus it also has a grammar error.)
–Paul Simon

Some people like to intentionally modify lyrics of songs they cover. Their fans love it. I’m not one of those fans.

Better not pout, I’m telling you why
The fat man is coming to town.
–Mel Torme

And here’s to you Mrs. Robinson
Jilly loves you more than you will know
–Frank Sinatra

Occasionally someone will modify lyrics for the better. I like Tina Turner’s change to “The Bitch Is Back”
“I get high from speaking ‘bout the things I do” instead of Elton John’s original, “I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue.”

The next group of songs make me cringe because of bad grammar. This is my favorite category.

Me and Susie had so much fun
–Elton John

If I was a sculptor but then again, no
–Elton John
(Rod Stewart recorded a cover version where he sang, “If I were a sculptor” in correct Queen’s English.)

You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
–The Doors

I wish I was Homeward bound
–Simon and Garfunkel

Nobody does it half as good as you
–Carly Simon

And finally, there are just some songs that are acoustically unlistenable. Yoko, I love you, but sorry, I can’t listen to your music.

I Don’t Get No Respect

Single people get no respect. Our married friends are always asking us whether we’ve met someone yet. As if that’s our primary goal in life. If we go to a restaurant and ask for a table, we are always asked,”Just one?” If we go to an informal restaurant where you seat yourself, people always walk up to our table and ask, “Do you mind if we grab these chairs?” On more than one occasion, I’ve been asked to move to the counter or bar, because the tables are for “larger parties”.

There is a funny/sad scene from a movie called “The Lonely Guy”. If you haven’t seen it, check out this link and have a laugh at the expense of the single people.

If we have to go for a medical procedure that involves sedation, we are told that we must have a driver. And it cannot be a taxi or Uber. This is something that a partner would do. It’s tough to ask a friend for a big favor like this. They would have to take off from work. And most likely they don’t live close by and would have a long drive to pick us up and deliver us.

Doctors’ offices periodically ask us to verify our information. The emergency contact is the bane of the single person. No, please don’t call my ex from 2009 if I pass out.
If we want to go on a vacation, say a cruise, there is a penalty. Tickets are sold based on double occupancy, which means that if you are single, you pay double. OK, I can understand that. They want to collect X number of dollars for a room. I get it.

What makes no sense to me is couples pricing for other things, where it doesn’t cost the vendor more to support a single person than it does for half of a couple. For example, I’ve recently joined a Meetup group that charges dues to members to help the organizer pay for Meetup costs. Cost of dues: $6.00 for singles, $10.00 per couple. It’s not a lot of money (only $1.00 singles penalty), and the money isn’t the point. I just feel like they are saying, “In case you don’t already feel bad enough for not having a partner, we are going to charge you a penalty and make you feel worse. Na na na na na!”

I think I’ll start my own Meetup group. Dues are $5 per single, and special pricing of $12.00 per couple. Who wants to join?

I Do Not Like Tinder

I tried in vain to set my search criteria on Tinder to find someone in my preferred age range of 50-57. Frustrated, I wrote a poem about it.

I Do Not Like Tinder

Tinder is
Not friendly to me
Not friendly at all
As you will see

You choose the age
For your match
You can choose a range
From min to max

Min can start low
Must be 18 by law
Min can start high
From 46 I saw

Max can go low
As low as 22
But I can’t set it precisely
To 51 or 52

The highest number allowed
Is only 49
Then it jumps to 55+
And they think that’s fine

50, 51, 52
53 and 54
All grouped together
With one hundred and four

I do not like Tinder
No thank you ma’am
I do not like Tinder
So old I am

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Filtered Bumbling

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There is a new feature on the Bumble dating site called the filter. A filter allows users to overlay their profile photos with an image that expresses something about themselves. Since it’s election season, they’ve decided to inaugurate the new feature with images that indicate users’ political leanings.

For those who don’t know, Bumble is a swipe left/swipe right Tinder-like site. What makes Bumble unique is that once two members have swiped each other right, the woman must make the first move and contact the man. It’s the Sadie Hawkins of modern dating sites.

The various filters typically have a drawing of the preferred candidate, along with a few words that let the users express how they feel about supporting that candidate. For example, the Bernie Sanders filter unsurprisingly says, “Feel the Bern”.

These days, the time I spend on dating sites is mostly for entertainment purposes. And this new feature is entertaining, at least for a day. For me, I find it interesting to see what kind of women would choose to be on a site where they have to make the first move.

Typically, these are women who are career oriented. There is a larger than average percentage of women who have started their own business, such as yoga studio, reiki healing center, health spa, boutique, hair salon, restaurant, jewelry design, photobooth, donut shop, or green cleaning service. And, of course, there are those who, like on all the other dating sites, just describe themselves are “entrepreneur” or “self-employed”.

Apparently, Bumble also plans to collect data from these filters with their own Bumble poll, which of course will be cited on RealClearPolitics right next to the Rasmussen, Gallup, Pew Research, CNN, and Fox News polls. They have the potential to differentiate preferences of voters by many criteria, including gender, location, age, education, race, religion, and whether they love dogs.

I started looking through women’s profiles, and I was surprised at what I saw. A significant percentage of users applied the filters, maybe 20%. Of those women who used the filters, they all supported Cruz or Trump, and there were roughly an equal number of Cruz and Trump supporters. No Hillary, no Bernie. Who would have thought that powerful women in south Orange County would overwhelmingly align themselves with Cruz or Trump?

I want to show you what these filters look like. To protect the privacy of the other users on the site, I have tried them on for size with my own photo.

Here is “Feel the Bern.”

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For Hillary, there is “A woman’s place is in the White House”.

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For the Republicans, they have “Cruz’n for a bruisin’.”

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And of course “Don’t be a chump. Vote for Trump.”

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There are also the generic “I’m voting Republican” and “I’m voting Democrat”. By the way, I am offended by the latter one. “Democrat” is a noun. The adjective is “Democratic”. Saying “I’m voting Democrat” is like saying “I’m voting Jew.” Or in Bernie Sanders’ case, “I’m voting Jew Democrat”.

Finally, here is my favorite.

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Sad Mother’s Day

I lost my mother in February of 2008 to pancreatic cancer. She was 74. She was diagnosed in August 2007 and told she had six months to live, and the prediction was sadly, very accurate. The day I found out about her diagnosis was, at the time, the worst day of my life. (I’ve had worse days after that. Don’t ask.)

Since then, I’ve been handling it pretty well. There are three days of the year that are difficult: her birthday, in April; the anniversary of the day she died, in February; and Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day seems to be the worst of the three days, because it is a reminder of what I am missing. The worst part of it is the advertising, which is everywhere. You see it on TV. You hear it on the radio. You see it in your Internet browser on every merchant’s site.

“Don’t forget Mother’s Day is May 8!”
“Gift ideas for Mom.”

And this one on the Amazon site particularly inappropriate.Amazon

I can’t really blame the retailers for advertising for Mother’s Day. It would be nice if they could have some compassion for those of us who lost our mothers, but that would be asking too much.

However, what really gets to me are emails that are sent directly to me, telling me what I should get for my mother for Mother’s Day. I think that is really in poor taste, and I wish business would stop doing that. Here are some samples of the emails I’ve received in the past few days.

From the Improv: “Treat Mom to a Mother’s Day Mimosa Brunch & Show at The Brea Improv!!!”

From Costco: “Don’t Forget to Show Your Mom What She Means to You! Pre-order your Mother’s Day floral today.”

From Keurig: “Give mom her favorites. Save $10 when you buy 4 boxes of select HOT pods.”

From Apple: “The perfect gift. Just in time for Mother’s Day. The new 9.7-inch iPad Pro lets Mom get everything done.”

And another one from Apple: “Apple Watch is the perfect Mother’s Day gift to help her stay connected and active throughout the day.”

From Verizon Wireless: “Give an instant gift. Send mom eGifts from over 30 retailers—including Amazon, AMC and Starbucks—right from your phone.”

And from Fitbit: “There’s still time to make Mom smile. Save up to 25% on Mother’s Day gifts! Free shipping for Mother’s Day!”

No, there isn’t still time to make Mom smile.