Desperado

I was listening to the song Desperado this morning, and I realized that the lyrics seem to describe the plight of middle-aged dating. Don’t keep choosing the wrong type of person. Don’t be so selective. “You ain’t gettin’ no younger!” “You better let somebody love you, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”

The irony is that it seems as people get older, they become more selective, not less selective. People want to learn from their mistakes. At least that’s what I am seeing in the women’s profiles I see online.

“Must love dogs.”
“Must want to travel the world”.
“If you don’t love jazz, then we are not a match.”
“Must be at least 5’11” tall.”
“Must be athletic and toned.”
“Must earn $150,000+.”
“Must play golf.”
“Must love to cook.”
“Must drive a motorcycle.”
“Must want to move to Seattle with me. Next month.”
“Must go ballroom/line/square/folk dancing with me.”
“You have to make me laugh every day.”
“I’m vegan, and you have to be too.”
“My ex loved The Beatles. If you listen to The Beatles, gaah! we are not a match.”
“My ex was named Steven! No more Stevens.”
“My ex was a software engineer! No more engineers.”
“Must wear glasses.” (Hey, found one that I qualify for!)

Ladies, listen to the song. Don’t be so selective that you rule out all the nice guys. Go for the king of hearts, not diamonds. As soon as one of you realizes that your laundry list of requirements is not so important, and you’re ready to let somebody love you, send me a note. Just be sure that you are between 5’0 and 5’8”; are Jewish or possible agnostic, but definitely not atheist; have a least a bachelor’s degree; live within 20 miles; have at most one dog or two cats, but not both; have a most two kids, the youngest of which is at least 18 years old; love to play board games, but not strategy games; like to watch TV, but not too much; and must love Linda Ronstadt’s cover of Desperado!

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Nobody Says It Better

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Who has been in a relationship that you knew was wrong? And your friends knew it was wrong. But you kept going back, because it was so….right.

I started thinking about such past relationships while driving to work, as I was listening to my Carly Simon playlist, and the song “Jesse” came on. Very poignant lyrics to that song.

I have only a few of my own words to contribute to this post, because nobody says it better than Carly Simon. Just a little editing and rearranging Carly’s lyrics. The “he”s could be “she”s, depending on who is telling the story.

Annie, keep reminding me
That he cut out my heart like a paper doll
Sally, tell me once again
How he set me up just to see me fall

Jesse, quick come here
I won’t tell a soul
My friends will all say “She’s gone again”
But how can anyone know what you are to me?
That I’m in heaven again because you’ve come back to me!

My friends….they think I’ve sunk so low
LA LA LA, LA LA!
LA LA LA, LA LA!
LA LA LA, LA LA!!

Jesse, I will put on cologne
And sit by the phone for you
And sit by the phone for you
And sit by the phone for you

Oh mother, say a prayer for me.

Songwriters: Mike Jr Mainieri / Carly Simon
Published By Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Love and Loss

A friend of mine recently reminded me of the old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I happen to agree with this. I can’t imagine going through life never having experienced love.

My friend said this to me to encourage me to go “out there” again. But the saying doesn’t exactly apply, because I’ve been lucky enough to have already experienced love. And I’ve been unlucky enough to have experienced loss.

I do think that for someone who has experienced love and loss, it’s still worth that risk to try again. A second chance at love is probably worth the risk of another loss.

However, I also believe at some point it makes sense to stop. Loss is always painful. And it doesn’t get any easier each time. In fact, I think it gets harder. Isn’t there a limit to how much loss one must endure in their quest for lasting love? Surely so much loss must have a deleterious effect on one’s health.

If someone has been lucky enough to have already loved ten times, but has been beaten down from ten losses, I don’t think it is true that it’s better to love an eleventh time and experience yet another excruciating loss. At that point, it’s worse to lose yet another time than to try to love again.

Let us summarize what we’ve learned so far. Better to love and lose once than not at all. Better to love a second time and lose again than to give up trying. Worse to love an eleventh time and lose yet again than to quit while you are already so far behind.

It seems that there is a magic number between two and eleven, an inflection point, where the risk of loss starts to outweigh the potential benefit of another attempt at love. Let’s say that number is five. Then the saying for that infection point would be, “It is equally as painful to experience a fifth loss as it would be pleasurable to experience love for a fifth time.” And once you pass this number, stop and choose a new hobby.

In Search of Rhonda

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Since my divorce in 2005, I’ve been on a quest to find my true life partner. My soulmate. The woman I will hopefully share the rest of my life with.

It’s almost twelve years later, and so far my quest has not been successful. I’ve met some nice women, and I’ve had several relationships, but unfortunately, there was always something that made them not work out. And, as I’ve learned, with each failed relationship comes a new loss in my life.

Losses are tough to take. As we go through life, we experience more and more losses. First we lose our grandparents. We lose pets. We lose parents. Some of us are unfortunate enough to lose siblings.

When one suffers a loss, they go through emotions that are similar to clinical depression. And, of course, there are always all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Right now, I’m still alternating between all of the first four. I’ve had brief visits to acceptance, but those have been short glimpses that lasted less than a day.

I’ve mitigated the chances for future grief a bit by making a pact with myself never to get another pet. We always outlive our pets. Pets are certain loss. In my life, I’ve lost Skippy, Elmer, Licorice, Kihei, and Kitty. And I’ve been there to see my daughter lose Tweety Bird and Peanuts. That’s enough pet loss for a lifetime.

After each relationship ends, I always restart my quest, once I’ve finally made it to the acceptance stage and can stay there. Single friends have told me that they admire my persistence, my optimism, my tenacity.

When recent relationships have ended, I’ve gone to a playlist that I made for myself a few relationships back. I listen to it in the car. It consists of six covers of the song “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”, by various artists. My favorite is the one by Elvis Costello. One of my favorite stanzas from the song is this one:

What do you get when you give your heart?
You get it all broken up and battered
That’s what you get, a heart that’s shattered
I’ll never fall in love again

But, there is a part at the end that is hopeful and optimistic:

So for at least until tomorrow
I’ll never fall in love again

It’s saying that when I say “never” I don’t really mean never never. I might change my mind tomorrow. Or the next day. And in the past, I’ve always done that and returned to my quest.

This time I haven’t made it to that point. It seems different. This loss seems to have broken my spirit. I’ve come to the realization that if I try again it’s almost certainly going to end, as every attempt in the past has, and I’ll have to go through loss and grief once again. I can prevent that by not trying anymore. I can make a “no more relationships” pact, similar to my “no more pets” pact.

One thing that makes me happy in recent times is the poki bowl, also known as the poke bowl. When I have a poki bowl, it always puts me in a good mood, always makes me smile. Especially sweet is when I find a new poki restaurant, and I’m pleasantly surprised by the quality of the poki.

After yoga class, I was looking for a new place to have dinner, so I took out my phone and fired up the Yelp app. I was looking for some new fast food restaurant near the yoga place, so I could have a quick dinner before going to Trader Joe’s, down the block, for some grocery shopping. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a new poki place. I searched Mission Viejo for restaurants. And guess what was the first restaurant to come up in the search, 0.3 miles away–right across the street? Yes, a new poki place! Poke Wave! It had 154 reviews. Five full stars. Yay!

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Less than a minute later I was in Poke Wave ordering my bowl. But before I ate it, as I am wont to do, I had to take a picture of my food, check in on Facebook, and post a photo. Here is the photo for you, dear reader.

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It was even better than it looked! And I thoroughly enjoyed it. As I was eating it, one of my friends replied to my Facebook post with this question:

“Are they playing the Beach Boys in the background?”

Because Poke Wave. Get it?

On the way home, I listened to my Beach Boys playlist in the car. First “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”, then “California Girls”, then “Surfin’ USA”, and finally “Help Me Rhonda”. And I realized what I need. I need a Rhonda!

Help me, Rhonda
Help, help me, Rhonda
Help me, Rhonda, yeah
Get her out of my heart

I Just Need Someone To Love

I’m trying something new for my dating site blurb. Instead of saying that I like to eat vegetarian food and sushi, and that I enjoy yoga, hiking, long walks, and board games, I thought I’d try something different. So here it is. I’ll probably change it back tomorrow.

I get by with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends [1]

While this is true, and I am extremely grateful for my friends, I want something more.

I want somebody to love
I just need someone to love [1]

I see a lot of profiles that say something like this:

I am happy with my life, and I don’t need a romantic relationship. But, it would be a nice addition.

They say that a romantic relationship would be “dessert” or “icing on the cake” or “the cherry on top”. I don’t feel that way. For me, a romantic relationship, or what I’d prefer to call a primary relationship, is not dessert; it’s the main course. I want a partner who also wants a main course, who won’t think of me as dessert. I want to be the priority in her life, as she will be in mine. Friends, relatives, kids, they all have (or will have) their own families to keep them busy, who are their priorities. My partner is the person who will stand by my side through the remainder of my life, the person who will be there for me whenever I need her, the person who will always be available when I need to talk, the person who will pick me up if I fall. She will be my soft place to land. And I will be all these things for her.

Even though it’s likely been torn out and trampled on many times, as has mine, the partner I am looking for will be brave enough to wear her heart out on her sleeve, as I will with mine. She knows that it’s a big risk, but the potential payoff is what will make life worthwhile.

When we find each other, we will both want to say this:

You’re just too good to be true
I can’t take my eyes off you
You’d be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I’m alive
You’re just too good to be true
Can’t take my eyes off you [2]


[1] Lyrics by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
[2] Lyrics by Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio

6009 Views

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My Match profile hit a milestone today. Six thousand women have viewed me. To be precise, six thousand and nine. Hitting the milestone made me decide to look at the profiles of the women who have viewed me most recently, pushing me past this milestone.

In one profile, S describes what she’s looking for with the following:
“I’d like a LTR with a kind considerate affectionate communicative gentleman.”
I find this interesting. I think everyone is looking for something like that. Of course, S and I are not a match. This made me wonder why we are all looking for the same thing, but none of us are compatible with one another.

I had blocked S’s profile earlier today, but I didn’t remember why. Since her profile is blocked from search, I was unable to go back and look at it. If I wanted to remember why I blocked her, I would have to page through all the profiles that I blocked, all 6,461 of them, find hers, and unblock it, so I could read it again. So of course, this is what I did. Luckily, they are sorted by profile name. Otherwise, it would have been a very difficult task. I found S’s name on the 55th page of my blocked profiles and promptly unblocked it.

OK, now I remember. She earns $150,000+ a year in her job as a lawyer. That’s the highest category, so it could be much more than $150,000. I am not in that category! She subscribes to two premium channels–both Showtime and HBO–and has a personal trainer. I remember how I felt when I first read her profile, because I began to feel that way again. I felt like she was above my paygrade. She would have a lifestyle and expectations that I would not be able to fulfill. I just wouldn’t be able to keep up with her financially. And I wouldn’t only have to keep up with her and pay my share of her lifestyle. I’d be expected to pay for it all. Because that’s the way it is.

Here is another one who made it easy for me to block her profile:
“If you are under 45, shorter than 5’11”, live farther than 50 miles away, and/or not in shape, I will NOT RESPOND and I WILL block you….no offense!”
No offense taken, and thanks for making my job easier.

The most recent woman who looked at my profile is D. She looked at my profile today, and she actually sent me a message. Her message was one of the best I’ve received. She mentioned things she liked in my profile, her words had a conversational tone to them, and she seemed very likable. But, she lives in San Diego, which is about ninety miles away from me, well beyond my range. In her own profile, she says she is looking for someone “within 0 miles of San Diego”. I’m not joking. I sent her a nice reply thanking her for the thoughtful message and wishing her luck in her search.

The next one who looked at me is C from Sherman Oaks. Sherman Oaks is in the San Fernando valley, about 70 miles from where I live. And her profile header says she’s looking for someone “within 30 miles of Sherman Oaks”. Another easy one to block.

Next was Ch from Berkeley. Berkeley is 422 miles away! And she’s “seeking men 60 – 80 within 50 miles of Berkeley”. This is discouraging.

When I was looking through my blocked profiles to find S the lawyer, I saw that there is a limit on how many profiles one can block from search on Match, and that limit is 10,000 removed profiles. Look for another blog post when I hit that auspicious milestone!

Epilog

If you are wanting to slap me hard for blocking S the lawyer, don’t despair. I reconsidered after re-reading her profile, and I sent her a message. Under what she is looking for, she included all income categories from $35,001-$50,000 all the way up to to highest $150,000+. So perhaps her expectations are not as bad as I feared.

How did all of you spend your 4th of July?

I Do Not Like Tinder

I tried in vain to set my search criteria on Tinder to find someone in my preferred age range of 50-57. Frustrated, I wrote a poem about it.

I Do Not Like Tinder

Tinder is
Not friendly to me
Not friendly at all
As you will see

You choose the age
For your match
You can choose a range
From min to max

Min can start low
Must be 18 by law
Min can start high
From 46 I saw

Max can go low
As low as 22
But I can’t set it precisely
To 51 or 52

The highest number allowed
Is only 49
Then it jumps to 55+
And they think that’s fine

50, 51, 52
53 and 54
All grouped together
With one hundred and four

I do not like Tinder
No thank you ma’am
I do not like Tinder
So old I am

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